Making New Friends—How Parents Can Help
For most kids the social aspects of school are as important as the academics. While some kids breeze into a classroom ready to make friends, many benefit from some parental support, especially if they're in a new school or starting school for the first time. One way to support their efforts is to arrange play dates before school begins or early in the school year.
Kids bond over mutual interests, observations, and experiences. As kids go from preschool to the elementary-school years, their approach to making new friends changes. Here are some guidelines that will help you provide encouragement at each stage.
Preschoolers
Preschoolers make friends through shared activities. They're learning to use words to express the wish to join a group or collaborate with one friend. They're discovering that sharing, taking turns, and compromising are part of what keeps social play going—whether it's with one friend or several.
You can help your preschooler make friends by equipping him with the words and phrases that will help him engage in social play. In conversation with your kids, discuss some situations where these phrases could apply.
"What are you playing?"
"I'd like a turn."
"We can build this together!"
"You can have part of my cookie."
"When I finish, then you can go."
Don't be discouraged if your child plays with a different group each day, sticks with one special friend, or starts off as a bit of a loner. Children vary in their styles of interacting, and the preschool years provide experience in developing communications skills and building confidence.
Preschool teachers are experts in guiding negotiations and supporting children's social skills. Encourage your preschooler to ask for the teacher's help when needed. And you could ask the teacher to suggest which classmates your child might enjoy playing with outside of school.
Older Kids
Elementary-school kids are more adept at communicating and interacting but may also face challenges in making new friends. Some are shy. Others are so connected with one group that they aren't open to meeting kids outside their circle. If your child is new to a school or has classmates who are new, making friends is especially relevant.
Have fun discussing these opening lines and talking together about what your child might say to fill in the blanks. Encourage your kids to think up more "opening lines."
- "Hi, I'm . . . I just moved here from . . . What's your name?"
- "That's a neat hat. I'm a . . . fan, too."
- "Is this your first year in . . . ? Where did you move from?"
- "I see you're eating . . . Did you ever try it with . . . ?"
- "I read that book, too. What did you think of it?"
- "I'm going to play with . . . after lunch. Do you want to join us?"
Of course there's much more to friendship than just engaging someone in conversation. Active listening, empathizing, and sharing one's own feelings are hallmarks of on-going friendships.
Making new friends is a skill that kids can learn. As the school year begins, encourage your kids to approach this important task with friendly optimism.
To read more about kids/ friendships at different stages, go to Kids and Cliques.
For more on talking to your child about the start of school, go to Conversations for the Start of the School Year.
In Highlights® magazine, the Ask Arizona stories often provide insights into the difficulties of making and keeping friends. Your kids can check out the new Arizona podcasts at HighlightsKids.com.