My Kids Argue! When and How Should I Step In?

Parents have different ways of handling the inevitable fights that occur between siblings. Some parents believe in protecting the more vulnerable, or seemingly "wronged," child at all times. Others believe kids should "work it out" on their own.

There are a number of factors to consider when you assess whether and how to intervene in a dispute between children.

  1. Safety is of utmost importance, and as the adult in charge you have the absolute responsibility to make sure that nobody is injured.


  2. Kids need to always be encouraged to "use words" to settle arguments. This is not easy with very young children or even older kids in close proximity (for instance, vying for space in the backseat of the car). Yet, no matter how hard it is, for you or them, all children need to be continually reminded to "use words" to resolve conflicts.


  3. The words kids use in arguments can be hurtful, so they also need to learn to distinguish between provocative, "fighting words" and "solution oriented" words.


  4. Rather than playing "judge" and mediating between the conflicting voices of "he did, she did," help children figure out their own ways of resolving the conflict. Teach your children a vocabulary of constructive words they can use to resolve conflicts by employing those words and phrases yourself. Encourage your children to describe how they feel when conflicts arise. Once the problem or situation is identified, it's easier to find a peaceful solution. Knowing that they can say that they don't want to share, or that their older sib is being bossy, or that the younger one is pesky, can be enormously comforting to children.


  5. You can also reinforce the use of constructive words by praising your kids when they have explained their feelings to their siblings or other kids. Support the process by making sure that both "parties" have an opportunity to speak and to be heard. Sometimes it's hard to relinquish your role as arbiter of disputes, but don't forget, as the parent, it is also your prerogative to simply declare a truce and move on. However, remember that the goal of your peace-keeping activities is to help kids learn to settle things on their own.


  6. Your interventions should serve to give kids a template for eventually resolving conflicts on their own. It's a gradual process and like any type of learning, it takes time. With each year most children develop more of the language and maturity (read impulse control) to settle their arguments without your help.

So the long and the short of it is, be sure to step in when safety is involved and intervene in order to help kids develop the necessary skills to resolve their differences without you. Meanwhile, protect the young, empower the vulnerable by helping each child have a voice, and encourage your kids to work collaboratively rather than competitively. Nobody said it was easy! But the results are certainly worth the effort.