Parents’ Poll: Do You Think That Empathy Can Be Taught?
Results of the survey:
Thank you for sharing your feelings, experiences, and suggestions with other parents. You wrote from the heart, and we appreciate how forthright and specific you were in responding to these questions. We're sorry we can't include what everyone said, but we hope that what's here will help you consider your own situation.
90% of you said that empathy can be taught; 10% said it can't.
Among those of you who feel empathy can be taught the word "example" came up over and over again. You said that parents need to set an example in their own behavior, and point out to children when an empathic response is appropriate, especially when it isn't obvious to them.
When we asked you "Which hurtful behaviors have you seen or heard about?" here's how you responded.
The other hurtful experiences some of you described included
In response to the question "With which people do your kids find it especially challenging to be empathetic?" you said the biggest challenge for your children is showing empathy toward the people closest to home.
Outside the home, you said your children find it challenging to be empathic toward
Some of you added that your kids have most trouble empathizing with their peers because they are set in competition with them. Others described, and often lamented, their kids' lack of empathy for those who are; not cool, introverted or socially awkward, overweight, poorer, bullies, smart and flaunt it.
What you said:
Here are some of the ways you said you teach empathy:
- I ask my child to imagine what it would feel like if someone called her a name or a loser. She always says she would not like it. Thus, that helps me help her refrain from gossiping, name-calling, and tattling.
- I have observed my 10 children developing empathy from a very young age in response to being loved and made to feel secure, while being taught that hurtful behaviors are unacceptable. They have caught on quickly and by 18 months of age are very sensitive to people's feelings, reactions, and comfort.
- I always tell her to treat people the way she'd want to be treated. If you don't want someone to hurt your feelings, think before you speak and act!
- I believe children respond by example. When they see someone exhibiting caring or concern, they identify with that compassion and empathy for others.
From those who felt it was not possible to teach empathy:
- I wish empathy could be taught, but true empathy comes from the inside.
- I do feel that so much of empathy is intrinsic, but also so much of it is by example.
- Empathy has to do with being able to personally relate to what the other person is experiencing. If you have not experienced the trauma, then you can't possibly empathize with the person. On the other hand, I would say that sympathy can be taught.
- Perhaps empathy cannot be "taught," but at least it can be recognized and developed.
Many of you cited individual differences and special challenges:
- As a foster parent, I have found that children exposed to empathy before the age of two tend to be the ones who know how to feel empathy. Those who come from abusive homes where empathy was not evident take a long time (years) to learn empathy if they come into care after the age of one or two.
- My daughter with Asperger's Syndrome, who is now 17 and was not diagnosed until a few years ago, has no innate capacity for empathy. Because I know how important it is, I've spent her whole life walking her through each step of empathy in many different situations. I've also walked her through the steps of identifying her own experiences and using them to understand how others might experience things. She has also been useful in helping others to learn empathy.
- I have two kids . . . one is very empathetic, without being taught. The other is not automatically empathetic, but we talk to him about how others would feel in different situations, and he understands.
What is effective in getting the point across that it's important to understand others' feelings?
- My three-year-old tends to get very close to other kids to get their attention and this isn't always received very well. I told him to look at the kids' face and see if they seemed to be enjoying themselves or not. If not, he should back off a bit.
- I have my daughter explain how she was affected in a similar scenario.
- When my child is hurting for one reason or another, I explain that other kids feel the same way. I ask him what he would say to another kid who was going through the same thing. One, he doesn't feel alone, and two, he understands that saying nice things or sharing his own experiences with someone when they are down helps them feel better.
- Reading storybooks together and discussing the different behaviors and feelings of the characters.
- I have always explained that what we see is only one part of the whole story and that we shouldn't judge why other kids act a certain way, that we don't perhaps have the unfortunate circumstances that causes them to behave a certain way or to react in a particular manner, and that we should forgive them for their behavior to us and try to help them feel special and important anyway.
- State examples of how treating kids badly would eventually affect them badly (they may tell others that you are mean, and those others may not want to be your friends). Younger kids understand things better when you put things in perspective of how their behavior will affect them, instead of telling them in the abstract how it's just not good manners.
- Help child "put a name" to various feelings . . . that helps child better communicate about feelings
- An open line of communication! We will often say, "Think about the situation being turned around, and that you are the one who is upset or feeling left out or having the not-nice words said about you." The age- old golden rule "Treat others the way you want to be treated."
- When you get to know someone who is different and then find out that you have things in common, understanding begins about those things that are different.
- I show my empathy toward my children; I let them see me empathize with others. Or if someone is behaving in a rude or mean way, we try to figure out reasons why they would behave that way. Someone cut us off while driving? Perhaps he's in a hurry because his wife is in the hospital about to have a baby . . . stuff like that. A friend being mean today? Perhaps he didn't get to bed on time last night and is really tired.
- My statement is, "Everyone is different and that's OK." I want my child to expect and respect differences in others. Also, I want him to know that if he ever needs to make a choice that's different from what the majority wants, it's OK.
- DEMONSTRATE empathy in action. That's where kids learn it.
- Being aware that as a parent I am also my child's role model.
What are some of the ways your children have expressed empathy that have made you proud?
- One time, while she was excited about receiving an award, she accidentally knocked another child down. Instead of continuing to run to me with her certificate, she stopped and helped the little girl up and apologized several times while making sure she was OK.
- My son really enjoys volunteering for the Special Olympics. He feels proud helping others who are in need.
- On numerous occasions my children have told me about kids at school who are new or bullied on a regular basis, and my kids try to be their friend, or include them in things. Sometimes they have even defended them.
- When someone is hurt and crying, they try to calm that person down by talking to them in a calm voice.
- Befriending a child who was poor and did not dress as well. The others refused to acknowledge him.
- One time this year, a boy wet his pants. Everyone laughed at him, but my daughter Sabrina did not. She talked to him and told him it would be OK. (She has kidney reflux disease; she knows how it feels to be in that situation.) She was upset with the other kids and teachers who didn't handle the situation very well.
- When my kindergartner found out he was chosen Student of the Month, he was almost immediately concerned how his second-grade sister would feel, since she didn't get selected.
- I observed my daughter in a group that was "picking" on another girl. My daughter didn't know that I was watching and listening, but she said to the other girls that they needed to stop because they would not like it if they were the ones being picked on. I was very proud of her.
- I've seen my five-year-old share a snack with her two-year-old sister who had just dropped hers and couldn't eat it.
- Both refused to play or hang out with friends who continued to pick on another child. They've also gone out of their way to notice isolated kids and invite them in, even if other friends don't participate.
- My daughter had a special-needs girl in her class in the second grade, and she voted for her to be the best artist in the class. The teacher felt this was a good idea, and the girl won the award at the end of school. This has given that little girl (who is now in seventh grade!) confidence, and she has BLOOMED and has learned to enjoy school MUCH more!
- They have realized someone did not have something to eat at lunch and offered some of their food.
- Getting favorite blankie "fuzzy" for sibling when she has been upset or hurt.
- My kids told me that a girl who lives on our street was throwing rocks at another girl. She told my little girl that if she wanted to be friends with her that she would have to throw rocks, too. My children came home upset and worried about what was happening. My kids were afraid to tell, but knew that an adult needed to stop what was going on before someone got hurt.
- There is a girl at our school who speaks very little English. Many of the other children would see her cry a lot on our playgrounds and would try to cheer her up by engaging her in their activities or by trying to engage in hers. Sometimes some of the children looked as sad as she did and would cry with her, not because they were sad but because they were as frustrated as she was at not being able to communicate how to help her feel better and talk about why she was sad.
- A friend didn't have the money to pay for the field trip and was going to have to stay with another class. My son asked if he could use his allowance money to pay for his friend.
Here's what else you shared with us about empathy:
- I was bullied as a child and had no one to defend me. Not even my parents helped. I therefore feel it is very important to teach my children not to add to a kid's already stressful life.
- Instead of punishing kids, it has been more effective to encourage them to restore the relationship(s) that have suffered due to their actions. This empowers them.
- I am appalled that my second-grader comes home everyday telling me about being teased or picked on. She is always left out of a game or made to feel less "popular." I didn't know popularity even existed in second grade. She is already talking about certain clothes, an iPod, a cell phone. Get real--she isn't even eight until July.
- It was wonderful to take the time and think about these things and how they apply to my family!
- Nothing like a little volunteering with the homeless to get a better perspective on life and not believe that life revolves around an xBox and a cell phone.
- I think it is hard for children at certain ages or stages of their lives to show empathy due to peer pressure. I know they feel the need to belong and have friends, and I think they are sometimes pressured by others to pick on or tease someone. Being empathetic and always showing it are two different matters.
- One thing is imperative for our children to learn: They MUST not tolerate the bullying, teasing, etc., of others, but speak up to the bully, or if they are afraid, notify an adult.
- I think children learn a lot from watching their parents together and how they treat each other, how they treat other people, and even how they treat their kids. You can't teach empathy if you don't have it or show it to others.